Backwards

So for a while now I’ve really been wanting to get back to Honduras. Like, since May. I told my parents for months before Christmas that the only present I wanted was a plane ticket to get me there over winter break. But scheduling conflicts didn’t allow that to happen, so the next opportunity I have is during this coming spring break. I would really love to go down over my break and stay an extra week to get the most out of my money. And I have the money to buy the ticket, I’ve come within a couple clicks and a credit card number several times. As much as my heart wants me to buy that ticket, though, it’s also what has been stopping me from doing it.

Here’s my issue. I’m always going to want to go back, but my concern has been that I’m going to go on my time rather than being patient and waiting for God’s timing. I haven’t wanted to go and let my selfish motives take away from God working through me. I just haven’t been sure that my heart has been in the right place. Actually I’m sure it hasn’t.

But Wednesday night at house church I got to talk to a friend who lived in Honduras this summer and share with him what my concerns were, and he shared some insights that I hadn’t considered. He said, That’s stupid! I think you should go. Sure, it’s selfish, but you never know what will happen when you get there. It’s about building relationships with people and no matter what, you could go down there and have great conversations and draw closer to a lot of people. Just go!

Here is what I want to say: I desire to go to Honduras to make myself available for God to use me. That’s the right thing to say, the thing someone with a real heart for following Christ and being a servant would say. I can string a whole lot of the right words together to make it sound like I don’t have selfish motives for going. But if I’m being honest, I really just want to go to see the people I love. My friends from Breaking Chains, plus Alli, Tess, and Amber. And now, as backwards as it may sound, I just have to hope and pray that God will use my selfishness for His glory.