Make me weaker

My humanity drives me crazy sometimes. I don’t like being weak or feeling like I need to depend on other people. It’s just who I am, it’s how I always have been. I’m not sure if it should be called “independence” and labeled as a good thing, or “arrogance” and labeled as a bad thing. But this weekend whatever it was really hit me in the face. It started when I was kind of blindsided by the fact that real life is coming a lot faster than I had noticed and that I am completely unprepared for it. Required undergrad internship? RD exam? Grad school? Career? I guess those were all things that I knew were going to happen, but they were so far in the future that I didn’t really take them seriously. (Honestly, I’m glad I haven’t thought about it yet. It’s been nice to just enjoy where I’m at and not stress about the future. I would highly recommend it.) But the reality is that those things will all likely be part of my future, and there is a lot to do to prepare for them.

This weekend my family was in town to visit Matthew and me. It was really good to see them, but I was so overwhelmed that it was tough to enjoy the time we had together. I had so much on my mind and was so stressed, but I didn’t want to let go of it or let anyone help me. I just decided to keep it all inside and try to hash it out on my own, and the result was that I was super awful to be around all weekend. Looking back, I can see that I had a perfect opportunity to take advantage of my family being right there to help me work out what was going on, but I was too concerned with dealing with things on my own to see what was right in front of me.

But I can’t stand that part of myself sometimes that wants to curl up in a ball with my head on someone’s lap or have a good cry. My thought is always that other people have such heavier issues than I do and that I need to suck it up and get over myself. And I think sometimes that’s true; I think it would be a little excessive if the little bumps and scrapes of life brought me to tears every day. But on the other hand, Paul says in 2 Corinthians that our Savior’s power is displayed in our weakness. He is able to show His power through the times when I don’t have it all together, when I admit that I can’t do it on my own. I pray that God would grant me the humility to accept help and to ask for it when I need it. My weakness is all for His glory.

In awe

Usually at Sanctuary (our Thursday night worship service) everybody is on their feet the whole time, just excited to be praising God together. But tonight as we were singing about how God is indescribable, uncontainable, all-powerful, unchangeable, how He has placed the stars in the sky and how the earth will shake at Jesus’ return, I wondered how I could possibly stand on my feet in front of such a powerful and awesome God. I sat down in my chair, convicted of my unworthiness to stand in God’s presence, His holiness beyond comparison with my brokenness. I don’t understand why God loves me and continues to pursue me in spite of my pride and selfishness and all of the times I put what I want in front of what He wants. I am so unworthy of being in His presence, yet He loves me so much more than I can even know. I cannot help but be changed by that knowledge. I cannot help but give Him everything.

...those who persecute you?

Last night while I was praying before bed it came to my mind Jesus’ command to love our enemies and to pray for those who persecute us. So I started to do just that. And it didn’t take very long. I realized I couldn’t really think of any direct enemies or sources of persecution in my own life. Sure, America has its enemies, but mostly because we’re a major world power, not because our country is standing up for Christ in the face of opposition. I just can’t think of any for myself in particular. Jesus’ imperative to love our enemies and to pray for those who persecute us implies that there is a likelihood of there being people out there who won’t like what we’re doing, that we’re going against the grain and bringing light to places that have long been in the dark. The fact that I can’t think of any persecution toward myself makes me wonder, am I really going all out for Christ?

Trust me

God has been showing His beautiful face in my life in so many ways. Maybe I’m just looking harder for Him. But I’m falling so in love with Him, I can’t deny it. The joy that comes with being in relationship with Him is my sustaining power as life picks up its pace.

I keep coming into contact with the importance of trust. Do I trust God to do what He says He will do, that He will reign in the world and that He will lay out a path for me? Do I believe that He can take my imperfect self and do something momentous, or do I insist that there are certain mountains that simply cannot be moved? More and more I am being convinced that God is putting certain opportunities in my way, ones that I would normally be afraid to jump into, and convicting me that He certainly is big enough to do His work. Here I am, sitting in my closet, just one person in a sea of humanity. But God works through the weak, through those who have nothing to offer, and Lord knows both of those apply to me. Here I am, Lord. Send me. I put all my trust in You.