Currently's

Now listening: Great Are You by Downhere

Now reading: Shantaram by Gregory Davis Roberts



"The past reflects eternally between two mirrors--the bright mirror of words and deeds, and the dark one, full of things we didn't do or say."

"'And what about love? A lot of people say that love is the best thing in the world, not power.' 'They're wrong. Love is the opposite of power. That's why we fear it so much.'"

"One of the reasons why we crave love, and seek it so desperately, is that love is the only cure for loneliness, shame, and sorrow. But some feelings sink so deep into the heart that only loneliness can help you find them again. Some truths about yourself are so painful that only shame can help you live with them. And some things are just so sad that only your soul can do the crying for you."

"I sometimes think that the size of our happiness is inversely proportional to the size of our house."

"The truth is that there are no good men, or bad men. It is the deeds that have goodness or badness to them. Men are just men--it is what they do, or refuse to do, that links them to good and evil. The truth is that an instant of real love, in the heart of anyone--the noblest man alive or the most wicked--has the whole purpose and process and meaning of life within the lotus-folds of its passion. The truth is that we are all, every one of us, every atom, every galaxy, and every particle of matter in the universe, moving toward God."

Summer Travel Log!

Summer tour schedule:

June 15 -- Grapevine CoC (Dallas, TX)
June 19 -- First Freewill Baptist Church (Russellville, AR)
June 20-25 -- IMPACT at Lipscomb University (Nashville, TN)
June 22 -- Harpeth Hills CoC (Nashville, TN)
June 26 -- Otter Creek CoC (Nashville, TN)
June 28 -- Nashville Sounds Purity Charity of the Night (Nashville, TN)
June 29 -- College Hills CoC (Lebanon, TN)
July 3 -- First United Methodist Church (Marion, IN)
July 6 -- KidsFest at North Central CoC (Indianapolis, IN)
July 7 -- North Central CoC (Indianapolis, IN)
July 10 -- Southwinds CoC (Fort Wayne, IN)
July 10 -- Southeastern CoC (Indianapolis, IN)
July 13 -- Central CoC (Johnson City, TN)
July 17 -- Highland CoC (Memphis, TN)
July 17 -- Downtown CoC (Searcy, AR)
July 19 -- Cornerstone at Westside CoC (Russellville, AR)
July 20 -- Glenwood CoC (Tyler, TX)
July 24 -- West Houston CoC (Houston, TX)
July 25 -- Aggies for Christ (College Station, TX)
July 27 -- First Protestant Church (New Braunfels, TX)
July 29 -- Highridge Church (Fort Worth, TX)
July 30 -- Decatur CoC (Decatur, TX)
July 31 -- Singing Oaks CoC (Denton, TX)

June 11, 2011 -- Village life

We've made quite a leap the past 48 hours or so. From sleeping in the village 3 nights ago to Lome to Accra and now still in Accra but at the beach. It's major culture shift. But I can't say I mind it. I didn't realize how developed Accra and, it seems, Ghana in general is until we left and came back after being in Togo. It's a really big difference between anything we saw in Togo, even Lome, and here. It's much more of an undeveloped, village feel in Togo. We stayed in the literal village the other night. That was interesting. When it got dark they used a kind of box flashlight to see, they listened to the radio really loudly, and for dinner we had fufu (mashed up starchy root vegetables that look and taste like snot) with sauce made from bayobab leaves (that tasted like dirt). We decided it would be less impolite to stop eating than to throw up all over the place. We slept at Kumea's house on mats and our sleeping bags and some of her hard pillows on the floor. Maybe one of the worst nights of sleep I've ever had. Communicating with Kumea and her family was really difficult since none of us spoke the same languages. But even with all the discomfort, their hospitality completely blew me away. They gave us their food and were so welcoming to us. Kumea even slept on her pallet outside our doorway as our self-proclaimed "guardienne." She really was wonderful to us and tried to communicate with us even through the language barrier.

Speaking of which, I think the language barrier did get more taxing as time went on. The more time we all spent together and spending the night there, it just would have been so nice to be able to talk to the women and everyone. We joked that night about being blind and mute because it was dark and we couldn't see or speak to each other. It was definitely a challenge.

June 6, 2011 -- Mountains and Motos

Wow, we only have 2 dyas left here in Togo. And they're pretty busy so they'll just fly by, I'm sure. Yesterday we climbed a mountain that we pass every day on our way to the village. We've been talking about doing it since we got here and I didn't expect it to actually happen, but yesterday was the women's day to run the whole process completely on their own so we didn't go out to the village and climbed the mountain instead. It was pretty cool! There was a big path about halfway up that was cut out by trucks from the rock quarry at the base and the rest of the way up was flat rocks and grass. No snakes to contend with, either! Five boys from some houses we passed on our way in came with us too. They were all barefoot and just scaled the mountain like champs! It was fun to have climbing buddies who you knew were enjoying each other's company but with limited communication.

This afternoon the plan is to head to the market to support the women selling bread, and then we're spending the night in Lassa Tchou! Who knows how that will go. I'm guessing they go to sleep really early and wake up really early, but I guess we'll find out soon enough!

Another thought: taxi motos. What a concept! I think they're brilliant. I want a motorcycle so badly now. It's just such a thrill! We've been watching "Long Way Around" and "Long Way Down" where Ewan McGregor and Charlie Boorman go around the world and down Africa, respectively, on motorcycles, so that's also been inspiring me. Haha and all of us, really. Cam and Dylan are seriously talking about buying bikes and making a trip happen. It would be such a blast. I've only ridden a moto like 3 or 4 times but I love it! The wind and the bike and everything, it's exhilarating. Maybe part of the thrill is riding on terrible roads at the mercy of a stranger controlling where you're gonig and how you get there, all the while not wearing a helmet (sorry, Dad!).

June 5, 2011 -- Patience

I don't think I blogged about this, but over the past couple weeks I've been painfully aware of my lack of patience. I think that over years I've become less patient with people rather than more patient, which is definitely not positive personal development lol. I am just not quick to forgive others of what I see as their flaws and personal shortcomings. As if I'm the one who gets to decide that. I'm thankful that the other people on this trip are much more patient than I am because I've been annoying myself even. So my prayer these past several days has been that I would have increased patience with others, with the words that I say, and with myself.

I think that now I am really seeing improvements in my patience, especially after the past couple days of deciding to consciously change my attitude. I kind of realized today how prideful I've been with my lack of patience and my hard-heartedness but in and of themselves and in not acknowledging that their roots lie in the stubbornness of my own heart and that I need to hand them over to God. Maybe I'm missing something or consequences will present themselves later, but I'm glad that at this point I haven't had to have a significantly serious humbling experience for me to learn this particular lesson.

June 4, 2011 -- "Life changing"

Personally, I think I've gotten over a major hump. It's totally a halfway point thing. Now we only have 5 more days here in Togo and then 3 days after that til we're on our way back to the States. I'm really looking forward to it but now that we're on the downswing and I'm past the "so ready to go home" stage, I have a much better outlook on the rest of the time here. Our team is gelling well and mellowing out after having spent 3 weeks together, and I think we're all getting settled into a rhythm with our personalities and will do well together this summer.

On another note, something we talked about tonight when Caroline and I went over to the Kennells' for dinner kind of struck me. Mark just touched on how people leave Africa and go home unchanged, just because they are calloused to letting it affect them. I just don't want that to be me. I was literally thinking earlier today, "OK, life changing experience? Right. That's cliche." I totally wrote it off, when in reality I need to let God be God and do what He wants to do in my heart rather than dictating what will and won't happen ahead of time. maybe I won't have some cataclysmic, earth-shattering experience or revelation, but why do I get to play God and say that I won't be changed? That's a little self-righteous. I'm praying that my heart would be open to however God wants to move me over the next week. I just want Him to be the one who determines how my heart is shaped, rather than me.

June 4, 2011 -- Graduation

We graduated the women from the baking program today! It was seriously so much fun, it was like a big drunken party except everybody was completely sober. I guess Africans just know how to party! So we went into the day with a whole order of operations for the graduation ceremony, but then we got there and they had made up their own schedule so we just went with it. The chiefs of the village were there and I think pretty much everyone in the village came out, all dressed to the nines. They took it so seriously. The women sang, the chiefs welcomed everyone, our group sang (impromptu and not very well, I might add), and then we called the women up one by one to receive their chef coats and hats and certificates. Then they all threw their hats in the air, like any good graduation! Oh, and we presented them with a sign we made for their bakery. And then we had bread and other food and danced and sang with the professional drum band they brought in for the occasion and took a million group photos. It was such a blast! We all showed up wearing our own chef coats and hats and they kind of laughed at us to start out, but once they put them on they never took them off, even through all the dancing. It was so fun to see them so proud of their bread and their bakery and their graduation ceremony!

We'll be with them tomorrow at church and most of next week, but less than usual. Just doing some classes and letting them run the operation for the most part. One day we won't go out at all. But they can pretty much handle things on their own now, so they should be alright!

May 29, 2011 – Conversations and Bread Baking

Seriously, when I say we talk about everything here, I mean everything. I’ll keep a record of the subjects we discuss today:

Documentaries (we've started to make lists of books to read and movies to watch when we get back to the States lol)
Where we would live based on climate
The physics of breastfeeding (we’ve all seen more breasts here than in the rest of our lives combined)
The bread baking process
Rabies
The worst storms we’ve ever been in
The worst birthdays we’ve ever had
Serial killers and psychopaths
Computer viruses
Taking a motorcycle trip around the world
Encounters with huge bugs
How “culture” is defined

And those are just the ones I remember…but overall, that’s a pretty typical day. No holds barred here! Most nights we get together in the girls’ room (it’s by far the biggest and nicest :) ) and we’ve been covering everyone’s life stories one at a time. Now we’ve gone through all of them and our new get-to-know-each-other plan is to come up with a question at breakfast that everyone will have to answer at dinner. That’s where the birthday discussion came from today. Should make for interesting conversations!

We fired up the ovens for the first time today. The whole process went fairly smoothly! The women broke into groups and we ended up baking about ten loaves of bread. What’s really cool is how proud they are of their ovens and everything Nestor (our welder)’s wife came with us today to see the process and the women were asking us to make sure she wasn’t going to go use their recipe and process to sell her own bread. And they were all so proud of their first batch of bread! It was like before the bread actually came out of the oven there was a sense of …is this thing actually going to work? Are we really about to make real bread? I’ll admit that I had the same skepticism lol. But it happened! It was so much fun to see them learning and having fun with it too.

Also, the women are legitimately using our Kabiye names that they gave us the other day. They call me Esosoolam to my face and introduce me as that too. I think it’s awesome!

May 28, 2011 – Side Effects

I’m starting to feel the effects of the eating pattern we’re in. Eating makes me feel sick. I’m not used to eating on such a schedule, I usually just kind of eat when I’m hungry. And I usually am getting exercise during the day. Not so much here. I should probably clarify: we have it GREAT at the hotel we’re staying at. They feed us breakfast every morning and dinner every night, and it’s delicious food. We just don’t have a choice about what they bring us, and usually it’s very heavy and fried at dinner. It’s a rough way to end the night. My body is rebelling lol. I’m looking forward to having a little more say in what I eat when we get back to the States.

Speaking of side effects, this malaria medicine is giving most of us increasingly bizarre dreams. We’ve had some great breakfast conversations that revolve around the crazy dreams we’ve just woken up from. If you ever want to wake up with good stories to tell, I highly recommend Doxycyclin or Mefloquin. That is, if you don’t mind also waking up in the middle of the night with the intense desire to move your body. Cam and Dylan have both had to get up at odd hours of the night to stretch or do pushups because of their meds lol. Probably not healthy…

May 27, 2011 -- Kabiye

It kind of amazes me how much language has not been an issue. Of course Esowe is so important to our ability to communicate, but with the women we can still talk and build relationships even across our different languages. My basis for comparison is always Honduras, but when I’ve been there I feel like language is ironically even more of a barrier when I can speak and understand. It’s as if I’m more hesitant to try to communicate in Spanish because I’m afraid I’ll mess it up. Here it’s understood that we don’t speak this language, at all, so it’s OK to not know…if that even makes sense. But still we are learning some Kabiye phrases! Here are some new ones:

Con care – Good work
Ezuma – How many/much
Tono – food
Loale – morning greeting
Alaafia – response to greeting (it seems like this is a phrase you can throw around anywhere and it will work)
Yoooo – response to alaafia (also something people just throw around)
Labale – Thank you
Bijazima – How is it?
Minowase – midday greeting
Blabiche – See you tomorrow!

Yesterday the women gave us Kabiye names. That was really special for all of us. Mine is Esosoolam, which means “God loves me.” I like it better than anyone else’s :) I’m not sure how they assign them or come up with them, but we all got them…I feel like it was a rite of passage though, like now we’re officially accepted. Our relationship with them is different than it would be if we could speak to them, but maybe in a good way? Maybe our bond is even stronger?

May 25, 2011 – The Team

I’m having a really interesting time getting to know the people in our group. We have seven people who are very distinct and our relationships with one another change daily – it’s like summer camp where we spend every waking minute with the same people. You live your lives together, the good and the bad, and you get to know each other whether you like it or not, whether you like what you see or not.

We have Lydia, who isn’t one to say much, so most of what she does have to say is worth hearing. It’s either witty or just a worthwhile comment. I can appreciate that because often that’s not how I am. She self-professes laziness, which I can also relate to. Level-headed, quiet, calm, but funny and witty.

Caroline is really a thinker. She’s just always using her brain. She’ll get very deep into whatever it is she’s working on and when she’s focused there’s no point in interrupting her. But she’s just really happy, easygoing, easily entertained, and quick to laugh, which I love about her.

Cameron is definitely growing on me. He has a lot of energy and is willing to try or do anything. He works hard and thinks hard and has a lot of passion. His heart is so genuine. He may be a little naïve and quick to trust for my cynical personality, but he really is a sweet guy.

And Dylan, he has his own opinions about things and is definitely intelligent. He’s lived in a lot of places so he has a relatively broad perspective on life and diverse experiences to draw from. Easygoing and funny. I’m quick to speak and react and say dumb things and he’s not afraid to call me out.

Dusty is also very genuine and loving. I can’t really take him seriously sometimes because he just says the cheesiest things, but he really does have an awesome heart. I personally would never have put him and Cecily together, but they work out great! She’s fearless and sure of herself, young and full of life, impulsive and ready for anything. They definitely complement each other and make a great team!

So all of us together are Lifebread, Summer 2011 Edition. 20-somethings living and loving in Africa. We have no common background, for the most part, so we have awesome conversations about random stuff. I mean, everything. And it’s the perfect balance of deep thought and frivolity. So we’re learning together. No blow ups or altercations so far, so I’ll take it!

May 24, 2011 -- Ovens

Just brought the first oven out to Lassa. I think we’re all pretty excited! Yesterday we all carried about a million rocks on our heads to the oven shelter. They used them to make a foundation for the oven, but now the smokestack is too tall to fit under the shelter so they might have to cut a hole in the ceiling…? It’s an interesting process lol.

We’ve been trying to learn names for the past couple days and so far we have 5 down for sure. I wish I’d been better about names in Honduras too. It means a lot when someone remembers your name and you can remember theirs. Even if you can’t say anything else to them, knowing a name shows that you care. I can’t believe we’ve only been out here 3 days!

May 23, 2011 -- Church

Right now we’re out at Lassa Tchou and Lydia is giving her Bible lesson. Today and yesterday have been great days to be out at the village. Yesterday at church gave a really interesting picture of the culture of this place. Most of the people at church were women and children, not surprising. But what did surprise me was the role of the women who were there. They led the singing and dancing, which there was a lot of. There were also a lot of drums and shakers. You can’t tell me that that’s not worship, or that God doesn’t approve of how these people are worshipping Him. If you ask me, this is what church is all about anyway. These women share their daily lives together and then come and worship together. They share food and work and money and a love for God. That’s church!

May 20, 2011 -- Tears

OK I’m probably blowing this way out of proportion, but I’m really concerned about my eye. It’s really sore and irritated and weepy. Changing focus hurts it, bright light hurts it, and the antibiotic I have is pretty shady and definitely not working. Oh, and my vision is getting hazy. I really really would like to not go blind and like I said, that’s probably out of proportion to what’s actually going on, but I’m kind of miserable and would love for this thing to get better. I’m pretty much out of control of it, and that’s super frustrating.

May 19, 2011 – Languages and Larvae

It’s our first day in the village of Lassa Tchou and I’d better start writing down some words and phrases that I’m learning before I forget them:

Labale – Thank you
Payan swe – What is your name?
Payan se – My name is
Punuh – goat
Pono – bread (easily confused with “punuh,” but guaranteed to draw laughs when Caroline, unaware of the difference between the words, leans down and looks at a goat and yells “pono!”)

Those are just the Kabiye words and phrases I remember learning today, but there were quite a few more. They have their own alphabet so of course all of those phrases are just based on phonetics. As is my French, which we’re also learning a lot of!

Comment vous apell et vous? – What is your name?
Bon soir – Good afternoon
Bon jour – Good morning
Bon nuit – Good night
Adieu – Goodbye (but careful, you only say adieu to someone who is dying. Which I learned after saying it to the local pharmacist. Whoops.)
Du rien – You’re welcome
Poisson – fish
Moto – motorcycle (the chief mode of transportation here in Togo. Seriously, there are more motorcycles here than I’ve ever seen in my life. Haha it makes me want one so bad!)
Panye – the fabric all the women use as skirts. They just wrap them around themselves or use them to tie their babies to their backs. It’s pretty ingenious, honestly.

I’ll try to keep a running list of new words I’m learning so I can remember and practice them more.

Folks, in other news, there is something seriously wrong with my right eye. It feels like there’s a speck of something stuck in it and it’s stinging like crazy. It’s really red and irritated and I keep sobbing and snotting out of the right side of my face. No bueno. Other health issues have come up too. Last night my half a meatball sub threw my vegetarian stomach through the ringer. I spent some time in the bathroom for sure. And Lydia did this morning too after drinking some coffee. And the worst one by far is Dusty’s back. He laid on a bad mattress in Uganda and got his back all pricked and then rafted the Nile the next day and now he has botfly larvae growing in his back. Seriously, they’re disgusting, and Cecily is having to pull them all out. But he has worms living and growing in his back and if he doesn’t get them out they’ll grow to maturity and crawl out of their holes as full-grown flies eventually. Is that not the grossest thing EVER? But other than that, I think everyone has stayed pretty healthy, praise God!

Today in Lassa Tchou was an awesome first day! We got to introduce ourselves to the women and they introduced themselves to us and we gave them their shirts and took their pictures. Then we took a tour of the village. It’s really cool! As we were walking around and seeing things we got to learn so much about their culture. We saw where and how they live and they taught us different words and phrases and even though we didn’t speak the language we could still communicate in a way. That is so amazing for me to see how something that was a main concern for me could just be put to rest so quickly. I mean of course it’s still an obstacle, as we saw in the market when we tried to haggle for panyes, but the women in Lassa Tchou it seems like just understand that we’re there to love them and they love us back for it. That might sound kind of hippie and naïve, but that’s really the sense I get. It doesn’t matter that we can’t speak Kabiye, we can still learn a lot from one another.

Besides, they see that we’re trying to learn. And it has been SO much fun for me to learn both of these languages today! I was seriously thrilled to learn from the women and from Esowe (our translator). I’m so glad that they’re patient and understand how much we want to be able to communicate. And learning these different languages is so much different than learning Spanish…it’s easier for me to understand French when I already know Spanish, but it’s still tough. I think I feel like I’m capable of mastering French while I’m here, as ridiculous and unrealistic as that is, whereas when I’m speaking Spanish I feel like I’ll never reach fluency. I don’t even know why that is, but I wish I were as confident in my Spanish as I am right now in my pretty much nonexistent French. Maybe this trip will teach me confidence in languages. I like the idea of being trilingual :)

May 18, 2011 -- Lome, Togo

I think this is going to be a fun group. It already is! I'm looking forward to spending the summer with them. Haha hopefully I'm not speaking too soon, but I think God has put a great team of people together.

Can I tell you how grateful and happy I am to not be sweating right now? Haha it's been perpetual since I stepped off the plane in Ghana, but right now we're on our way to Kara, Togo and we're on a bus run by the post office and it has this perfect air conditioning. It's absolutely wonderful, I don't remember ever being this grateful for air conditioning!

Yesterday afternoon when we got to Late and Minah's house (they were housing us last night in Lome, the capital of Togo, before we left today) we were relaxing (and eating some of the most delicious pineapple and juiciest mangos ever) and we started talking about Lifebread and what the whole concept is behind the ministry. It was surprising how little we all knew about the ministry we're paying big bucks to work with and promote. So it was really helpful to sit down and get a better sense of what we're doing here. The thing that really stood out to me was the intent of the Lifebread ministry to become obsolete. From a leadership perspective, I mean. The goal is that the people who participate in the projects in the community would take them over and that these wouldn't remain "American-run" projects. And that's really what's happening, which is super exciting! Like at the bakery project in Uganda, the people there are taking the oven project concept and starting another one somewhere else. That's exactly what Christian missions looks like ideally, at least in my eyes. It's all about sharing ideas and resources and empowering people. Giving them more freedom in all areas of their lives, breaking down socioeconomic barriers, and of course sharing the gospel that brings more freedom than any project or idea we could ever share with someone. I love it!

Yesterday all the interns finally got to meet each other! I made it to the airport against all odds and met up with Dusty and Cecily and the rest of the interns and went to the guest house we stayed at last night. The five of us (me, Dylan, Lydia, Cameron, and Caroline) stayed up last night and talked and got to know each other for a little while. Not that I can determine what will happen over the next ten weeks, but I have a good feeling about our group :)

Last night we had our first "team meeting" and I feel way more prepared and informed. Which is really helpful. One thing Mark (the missionary in Togo who picked us up in Accra and is helping us get back to Togo) really hit hard on was building personal relationships with the people we're working with, and that it's really important for them to remember you after you leave. Ask them about their families and get to know their lives. I don't know how to do that with the language difference. I'm honestly probably the most concerned about that and about my Bible and nutrition lessons. Even after tonight I still have no idea what I'm doing with those. I have no teaching experience and no idea what their culture is. I'm pretty much still at a loss there.

May 15, 2011 -- Let's go!

I am so excited to finally meet everyone today! Don't get me wrong, I've loved the beach and it's been relaxing and fun (and definitely entertaining, there are legit Rastas everywhere!), but vacations just aren't as fun when you don't have someone to share them with. I'm ready to see people I know and talk to friends and start this internship officially! Even if it's a huge challenge, at least we'll all be hating it together lol. Next step: get myself to the airport and cross my fingers that nobody's flights got delayed or cancelled!

May 14, 2011 -- Accra, Ghana

I swear, the guy I met at the airport was literally an angel. I have no idea what I would have done if I hadn't met him. I flew into Accra by myself two days before the rest of the group because that's part of the joys of flying standby. I knew I was going to a guest house on the beach, but I had no idea how to get myself there. Walking out to where the taxis are I just happened to run into this guy who just happened to be a global risk manager for a company who invests billions of dollars in gold mines in Ghana and he got a guy to take me to the beach. I'm not even joking, he was an angel and an answer to all the prayers I had been praying.

Call me crazy, but I'm still not super comfortable here by myself. I'm starting to loosen up though. I felt a definite sense of peace on the way from the airport, like everything is going to be absolutely fine. Other people have been way more lost and confused than I am right now, guaranteed. And seriously, this guest house is like the least shady place I could be. I don't feel like it's unsafe at all, so I'm starting to relax.

As far as Ghana goes, one of the first things I noticed is that the sky is HUGE! It's wider than the sky I've seen anywhere else. Maybe because there are no tall buildings and a pretty flat terrain? It smells like Honduras lol, like diesel smoke. But there's also something different, I'm not sure what it is...I guess just Africa :) And the people here are ridiculously friendly! My automatic standoffish shield that I put up when I'm uncomfortable just doesn't fly here. Let's see...people carry EVERYTHING on their heads, it's insane. It's like a genetic Ghanaian predisposition to having a flat head or something. I can't balance anything anywhere on my body, so I'm pretty sure I would totally fail here. OK well that's my crash course on what Ghana has been so far. I'm not hating it! And of course I'm never one to turn down a beach vacation :)

Happy today

The end of the year coming around and things really starting to wind down always makes me realize how fast time flies. Last night at our Admissions Office student worker party all of the seniors were saying what they’re doing when they graduate and telling their favorite office memory and I felt like I was back in high school, saying goodbye to the seniors. That doesn’t feel like it was 3 years ago, it feels like it was yesterday. And I know that next year won’t be any different. Seriously, time flies, and they say it never slows down. Which means I don’t need to wish it by and make it go any faster than it’s already going. So when you ask me if I’m excited for this summer, that’s a tough question to answer. I think I know in my head that this summer is going to be fantastic: I’m going to be traveling the country and the world with people who I already know are amazing and meeting even more amazing people everywhere I go, I’ll be teaching people how to live lives that are healthier in body and in spirit, I’ll experience so many things I don’t expect and encounter God in ways I can’t anticipate because that’s just how God works, and I know that overall I’m in for an incredible journey and adventure. But as far as being excited about it, honestly I’m not. I have a little while before I leave, 18 or 19 days I guess, and I plan to enjoy every single one of those days for what it is. Not to turn this into a cliché, but if I spend all of my time looking forward to the future how am I going to appreciate the days I have? So am I looking forward to this summer? Not really. I’m just happy today.

Honduras and post-Honduras lessons

1. I did NOT miss my cell phone.

2. There may be people out there who have gone to foreign countries and gotten lost and never been found. I am not one of them. Although I thought for a minute I might be...

3. ...and will therefore never go for a run in Honduras again.

4. Eating too much Mexican food results in the feeling of a brick in your stomach. I would not recommend it.

5. I kind of miss chicken.

6. Beans-in-a-bag are, in fact, vegetarian, contrary to popular belief.

7. More confirmed than learned, but kids are really just not my thing.

8. I'm getting old and becoming completely worthless when I get tired.

9. That being said, it's totally OK to go to sleep at 10:30 pm.

10. I will NOT compete for anyone's attention. I repeat, I will NOT compete for ANYONE'S attention.

11. Qualities I appreciate in people: honesty, laughs a lot!, cares about what's on my mind (even if it's nothing), doesn't care that I'm totally uncool about 90% of the time.

12. Qualities I do not appreciate in people: flakiness, name-dropping, insincerity, expectations that I can interpret subliminal messages.

13. I'm not sure I could spend a year alone in another country. If that's what God asks me to do, I'll do it with His strength. But I definitely can't do it on my strength alone.

14. Sometimes people turn out to be completely different than you expected them to be. And it's awesome.

15. Sometimes people turn out to be completely different than you expected them to be. And it sucks. But it's OK. Really, really OK.

Backwards

So for a while now I’ve really been wanting to get back to Honduras. Like, since May. I told my parents for months before Christmas that the only present I wanted was a plane ticket to get me there over winter break. But scheduling conflicts didn’t allow that to happen, so the next opportunity I have is during this coming spring break. I would really love to go down over my break and stay an extra week to get the most out of my money. And I have the money to buy the ticket, I’ve come within a couple clicks and a credit card number several times. As much as my heart wants me to buy that ticket, though, it’s also what has been stopping me from doing it.

Here’s my issue. I’m always going to want to go back, but my concern has been that I’m going to go on my time rather than being patient and waiting for God’s timing. I haven’t wanted to go and let my selfish motives take away from God working through me. I just haven’t been sure that my heart has been in the right place. Actually I’m sure it hasn’t.

But Wednesday night at house church I got to talk to a friend who lived in Honduras this summer and share with him what my concerns were, and he shared some insights that I hadn’t considered. He said, That’s stupid! I think you should go. Sure, it’s selfish, but you never know what will happen when you get there. It’s about building relationships with people and no matter what, you could go down there and have great conversations and draw closer to a lot of people. Just go!

Here is what I want to say: I desire to go to Honduras to make myself available for God to use me. That’s the right thing to say, the thing someone with a real heart for following Christ and being a servant would say. I can string a whole lot of the right words together to make it sound like I don’t have selfish motives for going. But if I’m being honest, I really just want to go to see the people I love. My friends from Breaking Chains, plus Alli, Tess, and Amber. And now, as backwards as it may sound, I just have to hope and pray that God will use my selfishness for His glory.

Safe

Age 5. You awake from a horrible nightmare trying to scream, but no sound is coming out. Your vocal chords are failing you when you desperately need them. You need Mom and Dad RIGHT NOW. Oh, but your bedroom is big and scary and the hallway outside is long and dark, and in the darkness this house seems suddenly unfamiliar. The distance between where you lie now, paralyzed with fear, and where you want so desperately to be seems endless. Who knows what remnants of your dream will come to life between here and there, pulling you into shadowy corners? But the thought of loving arms and hushed words of comfort overpower the fear. Your decision is made in a split second. Ignoring the visions of hands reaching out from under your bed to grab at your feet and yellow eyes leering at you from behind half-open doors, you streak down the hall and land safely in your parents’ arms. Someday you’ll learn, child, that those phantoms only have power over you when you let them and that the journey to reach the safety of that waiting, welcoming, comforting love, terrifying though it may seem, is always better than staying in a room alone with your fear.

A prayer

May your opinion of me be more important than that of my best friends. May I be entranced by your Word rather than by pop culture. May I sing more passionately in church than I do in my car. May I desire you above any other relationship. May your romance be more enticing to me than the temptations of the world. May your wisdom ring true in my heart above Satan's lies. May salvation for others mean more to me than my own comforts. May your plan for my life be synonymous with my own desires. May my repentance be as steadfast as your grace is deep. And may my life be worth nothing if not filled with you.

All I have

There is a piece of you inside of me that is crying, pleading, begging to get back to where it came from. No matter how far away from you I get, there is still that piece of you that won't give you up. I feel it suddenly, a desperation that longs to be with the one who created it. I couldn't get rid of it if I tried, but I don't want to try. Because that desperation is what brings me back to you, after my wanderings have left me empty and weary. I'll always come back to you, my Redeemer.