Make me weaker

My humanity drives me crazy sometimes. I don’t like being weak or feeling like I need to depend on other people. It’s just who I am, it’s how I always have been. I’m not sure if it should be called “independence” and labeled as a good thing, or “arrogance” and labeled as a bad thing. But this weekend whatever it was really hit me in the face. It started when I was kind of blindsided by the fact that real life is coming a lot faster than I had noticed and that I am completely unprepared for it. Required undergrad internship? RD exam? Grad school? Career? I guess those were all things that I knew were going to happen, but they were so far in the future that I didn’t really take them seriously. (Honestly, I’m glad I haven’t thought about it yet. It’s been nice to just enjoy where I’m at and not stress about the future. I would highly recommend it.) But the reality is that those things will all likely be part of my future, and there is a lot to do to prepare for them.

This weekend my family was in town to visit Matthew and me. It was really good to see them, but I was so overwhelmed that it was tough to enjoy the time we had together. I had so much on my mind and was so stressed, but I didn’t want to let go of it or let anyone help me. I just decided to keep it all inside and try to hash it out on my own, and the result was that I was super awful to be around all weekend. Looking back, I can see that I had a perfect opportunity to take advantage of my family being right there to help me work out what was going on, but I was too concerned with dealing with things on my own to see what was right in front of me.

But I can’t stand that part of myself sometimes that wants to curl up in a ball with my head on someone’s lap or have a good cry. My thought is always that other people have such heavier issues than I do and that I need to suck it up and get over myself. And I think sometimes that’s true; I think it would be a little excessive if the little bumps and scrapes of life brought me to tears every day. But on the other hand, Paul says in 2 Corinthians that our Savior’s power is displayed in our weakness. He is able to show His power through the times when I don’t have it all together, when I admit that I can’t do it on my own. I pray that God would grant me the humility to accept help and to ask for it when I need it. My weakness is all for His glory.