May 14, 2011 -- Accra, Ghana

I swear, the guy I met at the airport was literally an angel. I have no idea what I would have done if I hadn't met him. I flew into Accra by myself two days before the rest of the group because that's part of the joys of flying standby. I knew I was going to a guest house on the beach, but I had no idea how to get myself there. Walking out to where the taxis are I just happened to run into this guy who just happened to be a global risk manager for a company who invests billions of dollars in gold mines in Ghana and he got a guy to take me to the beach. I'm not even joking, he was an angel and an answer to all the prayers I had been praying.

Call me crazy, but I'm still not super comfortable here by myself. I'm starting to loosen up though. I felt a definite sense of peace on the way from the airport, like everything is going to be absolutely fine. Other people have been way more lost and confused than I am right now, guaranteed. And seriously, this guest house is like the least shady place I could be. I don't feel like it's unsafe at all, so I'm starting to relax.

As far as Ghana goes, one of the first things I noticed is that the sky is HUGE! It's wider than the sky I've seen anywhere else. Maybe because there are no tall buildings and a pretty flat terrain? It smells like Honduras lol, like diesel smoke. But there's also something different, I'm not sure what it is...I guess just Africa :) And the people here are ridiculously friendly! My automatic standoffish shield that I put up when I'm uncomfortable just doesn't fly here. Let's see...people carry EVERYTHING on their heads, it's insane. It's like a genetic Ghanaian predisposition to having a flat head or something. I can't balance anything anywhere on my body, so I'm pretty sure I would totally fail here. OK well that's my crash course on what Ghana has been so far. I'm not hating it! And of course I'm never one to turn down a beach vacation :)

Happy today

The end of the year coming around and things really starting to wind down always makes me realize how fast time flies. Last night at our Admissions Office student worker party all of the seniors were saying what they’re doing when they graduate and telling their favorite office memory and I felt like I was back in high school, saying goodbye to the seniors. That doesn’t feel like it was 3 years ago, it feels like it was yesterday. And I know that next year won’t be any different. Seriously, time flies, and they say it never slows down. Which means I don’t need to wish it by and make it go any faster than it’s already going. So when you ask me if I’m excited for this summer, that’s a tough question to answer. I think I know in my head that this summer is going to be fantastic: I’m going to be traveling the country and the world with people who I already know are amazing and meeting even more amazing people everywhere I go, I’ll be teaching people how to live lives that are healthier in body and in spirit, I’ll experience so many things I don’t expect and encounter God in ways I can’t anticipate because that’s just how God works, and I know that overall I’m in for an incredible journey and adventure. But as far as being excited about it, honestly I’m not. I have a little while before I leave, 18 or 19 days I guess, and I plan to enjoy every single one of those days for what it is. Not to turn this into a cliché, but if I spend all of my time looking forward to the future how am I going to appreciate the days I have? So am I looking forward to this summer? Not really. I’m just happy today.

Honduras and post-Honduras lessons

1. I did NOT miss my cell phone.

2. There may be people out there who have gone to foreign countries and gotten lost and never been found. I am not one of them. Although I thought for a minute I might be...

3. ...and will therefore never go for a run in Honduras again.

4. Eating too much Mexican food results in the feeling of a brick in your stomach. I would not recommend it.

5. I kind of miss chicken.

6. Beans-in-a-bag are, in fact, vegetarian, contrary to popular belief.

7. More confirmed than learned, but kids are really just not my thing.

8. I'm getting old and becoming completely worthless when I get tired.

9. That being said, it's totally OK to go to sleep at 10:30 pm.

10. I will NOT compete for anyone's attention. I repeat, I will NOT compete for ANYONE'S attention.

11. Qualities I appreciate in people: honesty, laughs a lot!, cares about what's on my mind (even if it's nothing), doesn't care that I'm totally uncool about 90% of the time.

12. Qualities I do not appreciate in people: flakiness, name-dropping, insincerity, expectations that I can interpret subliminal messages.

13. I'm not sure I could spend a year alone in another country. If that's what God asks me to do, I'll do it with His strength. But I definitely can't do it on my strength alone.

14. Sometimes people turn out to be completely different than you expected them to be. And it's awesome.

15. Sometimes people turn out to be completely different than you expected them to be. And it sucks. But it's OK. Really, really OK.

Backwards

So for a while now I’ve really been wanting to get back to Honduras. Like, since May. I told my parents for months before Christmas that the only present I wanted was a plane ticket to get me there over winter break. But scheduling conflicts didn’t allow that to happen, so the next opportunity I have is during this coming spring break. I would really love to go down over my break and stay an extra week to get the most out of my money. And I have the money to buy the ticket, I’ve come within a couple clicks and a credit card number several times. As much as my heart wants me to buy that ticket, though, it’s also what has been stopping me from doing it.

Here’s my issue. I’m always going to want to go back, but my concern has been that I’m going to go on my time rather than being patient and waiting for God’s timing. I haven’t wanted to go and let my selfish motives take away from God working through me. I just haven’t been sure that my heart has been in the right place. Actually I’m sure it hasn’t.

But Wednesday night at house church I got to talk to a friend who lived in Honduras this summer and share with him what my concerns were, and he shared some insights that I hadn’t considered. He said, That’s stupid! I think you should go. Sure, it’s selfish, but you never know what will happen when you get there. It’s about building relationships with people and no matter what, you could go down there and have great conversations and draw closer to a lot of people. Just go!

Here is what I want to say: I desire to go to Honduras to make myself available for God to use me. That’s the right thing to say, the thing someone with a real heart for following Christ and being a servant would say. I can string a whole lot of the right words together to make it sound like I don’t have selfish motives for going. But if I’m being honest, I really just want to go to see the people I love. My friends from Breaking Chains, plus Alli, Tess, and Amber. And now, as backwards as it may sound, I just have to hope and pray that God will use my selfishness for His glory.

Safe

Age 5. You awake from a horrible nightmare trying to scream, but no sound is coming out. Your vocal chords are failing you when you desperately need them. You need Mom and Dad RIGHT NOW. Oh, but your bedroom is big and scary and the hallway outside is long and dark, and in the darkness this house seems suddenly unfamiliar. The distance between where you lie now, paralyzed with fear, and where you want so desperately to be seems endless. Who knows what remnants of your dream will come to life between here and there, pulling you into shadowy corners? But the thought of loving arms and hushed words of comfort overpower the fear. Your decision is made in a split second. Ignoring the visions of hands reaching out from under your bed to grab at your feet and yellow eyes leering at you from behind half-open doors, you streak down the hall and land safely in your parents’ arms. Someday you’ll learn, child, that those phantoms only have power over you when you let them and that the journey to reach the safety of that waiting, welcoming, comforting love, terrifying though it may seem, is always better than staying in a room alone with your fear.

A prayer

May your opinion of me be more important than that of my best friends. May I be entranced by your Word rather than by pop culture. May I sing more passionately in church than I do in my car. May I desire you above any other relationship. May your romance be more enticing to me than the temptations of the world. May your wisdom ring true in my heart above Satan's lies. May salvation for others mean more to me than my own comforts. May your plan for my life be synonymous with my own desires. May my repentance be as steadfast as your grace is deep. And may my life be worth nothing if not filled with you.

All I have

There is a piece of you inside of me that is crying, pleading, begging to get back to where it came from. No matter how far away from you I get, there is still that piece of you that won't give you up. I feel it suddenly, a desperation that longs to be with the one who created it. I couldn't get rid of it if I tried, but I don't want to try. Because that desperation is what brings me back to you, after my wanderings have left me empty and weary. I'll always come back to you, my Redeemer.