Backwards

So for a while now I’ve really been wanting to get back to Honduras. Like, since May. I told my parents for months before Christmas that the only present I wanted was a plane ticket to get me there over winter break. But scheduling conflicts didn’t allow that to happen, so the next opportunity I have is during this coming spring break. I would really love to go down over my break and stay an extra week to get the most out of my money. And I have the money to buy the ticket, I’ve come within a couple clicks and a credit card number several times. As much as my heart wants me to buy that ticket, though, it’s also what has been stopping me from doing it.

Here’s my issue. I’m always going to want to go back, but my concern has been that I’m going to go on my time rather than being patient and waiting for God’s timing. I haven’t wanted to go and let my selfish motives take away from God working through me. I just haven’t been sure that my heart has been in the right place. Actually I’m sure it hasn’t.

But Wednesday night at house church I got to talk to a friend who lived in Honduras this summer and share with him what my concerns were, and he shared some insights that I hadn’t considered. He said, That’s stupid! I think you should go. Sure, it’s selfish, but you never know what will happen when you get there. It’s about building relationships with people and no matter what, you could go down there and have great conversations and draw closer to a lot of people. Just go!

Here is what I want to say: I desire to go to Honduras to make myself available for God to use me. That’s the right thing to say, the thing someone with a real heart for following Christ and being a servant would say. I can string a whole lot of the right words together to make it sound like I don’t have selfish motives for going. But if I’m being honest, I really just want to go to see the people I love. My friends from Breaking Chains, plus Alli, Tess, and Amber. And now, as backwards as it may sound, I just have to hope and pray that God will use my selfishness for His glory.

Safe

Age 5. You awake from a horrible nightmare trying to scream, but no sound is coming out. Your vocal chords are failing you when you desperately need them. You need Mom and Dad RIGHT NOW. Oh, but your bedroom is big and scary and the hallway outside is long and dark, and in the darkness this house seems suddenly unfamiliar. The distance between where you lie now, paralyzed with fear, and where you want so desperately to be seems endless. Who knows what remnants of your dream will come to life between here and there, pulling you into shadowy corners? But the thought of loving arms and hushed words of comfort overpower the fear. Your decision is made in a split second. Ignoring the visions of hands reaching out from under your bed to grab at your feet and yellow eyes leering at you from behind half-open doors, you streak down the hall and land safely in your parents’ arms. Someday you’ll learn, child, that those phantoms only have power over you when you let them and that the journey to reach the safety of that waiting, welcoming, comforting love, terrifying though it may seem, is always better than staying in a room alone with your fear.

A prayer

May your opinion of me be more important than that of my best friends. May I be entranced by your Word rather than by pop culture. May I sing more passionately in church than I do in my car. May I desire you above any other relationship. May your romance be more enticing to me than the temptations of the world. May your wisdom ring true in my heart above Satan's lies. May salvation for others mean more to me than my own comforts. May your plan for my life be synonymous with my own desires. May my repentance be as steadfast as your grace is deep. And may my life be worth nothing if not filled with you.

All I have

There is a piece of you inside of me that is crying, pleading, begging to get back to where it came from. No matter how far away from you I get, there is still that piece of you that won't give you up. I feel it suddenly, a desperation that longs to be with the one who created it. I couldn't get rid of it if I tried, but I don't want to try. Because that desperation is what brings me back to you, after my wanderings have left me empty and weary. I'll always come back to you, my Redeemer.

Lifebread

So, about this summer. I only give myself permission to enjoy bragging rights because I have my plans made before Christmas break, when a lot of college kids won’t even know next May when it’s really crunch time. The quality of my plans is just a perk.

Well honestly I don’t know what I’ll be doing this summer either, at least not specifically, but I do know that I’ll be interning with Lifebread. Lifebread is a ministry whose mission is to share not only the spiritual, but also the physical bread of life. What our team will actually be doing is going to a community in Togo, Africa and building bread ovens and teaching the people how to use them to provide food for their community. My understanding is that I will be in charge of a nutrition education element that will be incorporated into our time there as well. This is PERFECT for me because it is a form of exactly what I want to do long-term. This is living out exactly what Christ teaches us, to give people access to Him while also meeting their physical needs. We can give people a way to live AND something worth living for!

I don’t know all of the logistics of the internship this summer, but I do know that I’ll be spending a month-ish in Africa and that after that our team will be coming back to the States to plan and execute a fundraising tour. As it was described to me, this is basically a crash course in non-profit PR. And speaking of our team, there are 5 students from around the country and Lifebread’s founder, Dusty Breeding and his wife Cecily as far as I know. I could not be more excited to get to know my team and start this adventure!!!

Check out Lifebread, the mission, and the interns! www.lifebread.org

We can do all things

It’s getting to that point in the lives of my friends and myself when we’re starting to think about what we want to be when we grow up. It’s not really a matter of when we grow up as much as…well, kind of facing it straight on. Lately I’ve been hearing people talk about their plans for the future and realizing how much we take for granted that we can do virtually anything with our lives. Of course, I’m including myself in that. We talk about studying abroad and going on mission trips and moving across the country and having our dream jobs and pursuing our passions and changing the world as if there were no obstacle that could possibly stand in the way of those things. Really, our world is an open book, full of possibility and promise for a better future, the best future. You can call it naïveté or whatever you will, but our generation really believes in our hearts that we can do anything and everything. And maybe we can. May we not become jaded. May we keep that fire and that conviction that we can truly do all things, but not forget that we are nothing and can do nothing without Christ and His Spirit that lives and works inside of us. If the glory is not going to Him, all of our big accomplishments are worthless.

Satan can shove it

Satan, man that dude is tricky. He really knows what he’s doing. How did he get me to forget about grace?! Over the past couple weeks he’s been working pretty hard to show me all the ways I am falling short of the way God wants me to be living, and I’ve been caught up in all the little things I think I’m supposed to be doing: “Oh, I’ve heard about twelve new causes this week and they’re all worthy of being supported, and I think I’ll start sponsoring a child, and I’ll give money to build wells in Africa, and I’ll volunteer at this soup kitchen, and I’ll recycle so I can be ecologically responsible, oh, and I need to pray more, and I should be journaling, and I haven’t counted my blessings yet today, and I need to exercise to take care of this body God gave me, and who have I talked to about God, and…” Of course those are all great things to do, but there is also something to be said for focusing your efforts. Trying to micromanage my own life and turning my relationship into a checklist makes me feel like I’m failing if I don’t get things perfectly every day. Thank God for His grace that is sufficient to transcend my weaknesses and failings.