Make me weaker

My humanity drives me crazy sometimes. I don’t like being weak or feeling like I need to depend on other people. It’s just who I am, it’s how I always have been. I’m not sure if it should be called “independence” and labeled as a good thing, or “arrogance” and labeled as a bad thing. But this weekend whatever it was really hit me in the face. It started when I was kind of blindsided by the fact that real life is coming a lot faster than I had noticed and that I am completely unprepared for it. Required undergrad internship? RD exam? Grad school? Career? I guess those were all things that I knew were going to happen, but they were so far in the future that I didn’t really take them seriously. (Honestly, I’m glad I haven’t thought about it yet. It’s been nice to just enjoy where I’m at and not stress about the future. I would highly recommend it.) But the reality is that those things will all likely be part of my future, and there is a lot to do to prepare for them.

This weekend my family was in town to visit Matthew and me. It was really good to see them, but I was so overwhelmed that it was tough to enjoy the time we had together. I had so much on my mind and was so stressed, but I didn’t want to let go of it or let anyone help me. I just decided to keep it all inside and try to hash it out on my own, and the result was that I was super awful to be around all weekend. Looking back, I can see that I had a perfect opportunity to take advantage of my family being right there to help me work out what was going on, but I was too concerned with dealing with things on my own to see what was right in front of me.

But I can’t stand that part of myself sometimes that wants to curl up in a ball with my head on someone’s lap or have a good cry. My thought is always that other people have such heavier issues than I do and that I need to suck it up and get over myself. And I think sometimes that’s true; I think it would be a little excessive if the little bumps and scrapes of life brought me to tears every day. But on the other hand, Paul says in 2 Corinthians that our Savior’s power is displayed in our weakness. He is able to show His power through the times when I don’t have it all together, when I admit that I can’t do it on my own. I pray that God would grant me the humility to accept help and to ask for it when I need it. My weakness is all for His glory.

In awe

Usually at Sanctuary (our Thursday night worship service) everybody is on their feet the whole time, just excited to be praising God together. But tonight as we were singing about how God is indescribable, uncontainable, all-powerful, unchangeable, how He has placed the stars in the sky and how the earth will shake at Jesus’ return, I wondered how I could possibly stand on my feet in front of such a powerful and awesome God. I sat down in my chair, convicted of my unworthiness to stand in God’s presence, His holiness beyond comparison with my brokenness. I don’t understand why God loves me and continues to pursue me in spite of my pride and selfishness and all of the times I put what I want in front of what He wants. I am so unworthy of being in His presence, yet He loves me so much more than I can even know. I cannot help but be changed by that knowledge. I cannot help but give Him everything.

...those who persecute you?

Last night while I was praying before bed it came to my mind Jesus’ command to love our enemies and to pray for those who persecute us. So I started to do just that. And it didn’t take very long. I realized I couldn’t really think of any direct enemies or sources of persecution in my own life. Sure, America has its enemies, but mostly because we’re a major world power, not because our country is standing up for Christ in the face of opposition. I just can’t think of any for myself in particular. Jesus’ imperative to love our enemies and to pray for those who persecute us implies that there is a likelihood of there being people out there who won’t like what we’re doing, that we’re going against the grain and bringing light to places that have long been in the dark. The fact that I can’t think of any persecution toward myself makes me wonder, am I really going all out for Christ?

Trust me

God has been showing His beautiful face in my life in so many ways. Maybe I’m just looking harder for Him. But I’m falling so in love with Him, I can’t deny it. The joy that comes with being in relationship with Him is my sustaining power as life picks up its pace.

I keep coming into contact with the importance of trust. Do I trust God to do what He says He will do, that He will reign in the world and that He will lay out a path for me? Do I believe that He can take my imperfect self and do something momentous, or do I insist that there are certain mountains that simply cannot be moved? More and more I am being convinced that God is putting certain opportunities in my way, ones that I would normally be afraid to jump into, and convicting me that He certainly is big enough to do His work. Here I am, sitting in my closet, just one person in a sea of humanity. But God works through the weak, through those who have nothing to offer, and Lord knows both of those apply to me. Here I am, Lord. Send me. I put all my trust in You.

Oops...

It’s amazing how easily I forget about what’s really important. When I was in Honduras it was so crucial for me to spend time reading my Bible and feeding myself spiritually because I didn’t have anything else to fill me up. I was so aware of how necessary Jesus was to complete me. Then I came home and was back with all of my friends and family and back in my comfort zone where it was easy for me to feel fulfilled by those people and environments. When I left Honduras one of the things I could have told you was so important in my life and something that I had learned to do so much better since being there was spending time daily reading the Bible and talking to God. But when I got back all of that seemed to fall by the wayside because of that false sense of fulfillment that came with all being back in my comfort zone. I didn’t need Jesus when I had my friends and family around me. Oh, how quickly I forget. Once you get out of those habits it’s so difficult to get back into them, just like when you don’t exercise for a long time and then you’re out of shape and it just sucks trying to get past the soreness and back to the point when you feel strong and healthy. Now I’m at that point where I feel spiritually out of shape and am trying to get over the hump and back into the habit of being spiritually disciplined. It really is a discipline and takes repetition and practice and diligence and will power to get right. But just like the memory of how good it felt to be in shape is enough to make me want to start exercising again, the memory of how wonderful it feels to have Jesus at the forefront of my life and always in my thoughts and the master of my days is enough to make me want to get back to that point. And I won’t waste any time.

In the End...

Usually when I have so much time between my blogs I take up all my space playing catch up, but I think this one will be different. I’ve been home for a week and a half now, and it feels so good! But I also think I’m getting to the point where I am slowing down and starting to really miss being there. I miss the boys, I miss my homeless friends, I miss the Shine kids, I miss Alli and Tess and Amber and even Darwin sometimes. Of course, I missed everything from home while I was there too. I guess that’s what it feels like to have your heart split between two places. There will always be a part of it that longs to be somewhere else, and maybe sometime I’ll get used to that feeling.

I don’t really think I experienced culture shock when I got to Honduras, but I did feel it when I got back to the States. I think it’s because when you go to a different country you expect things to be different. And I’ve been to Honduras enough that I pretty much knew what to expect. But when you come back home you think nothing will seem weird because that’s what you know best, and then you realize you’re wrong. When I first stepped off the plane in Indy, the aesthetics threw me for a loop first. It’s so green, and it’s so flat, and it’s so cold! It was weird. As far as general culture goes, when I got to Houston I noticed that the way that would have been typical for an upper class Honduran to dress and present themselves was pretty much the norm for Americans. That might seem pretty obvious, but it was one of the first things that hit me coming back. There is so much more wealth here, it’s ridiculous, and I mean that.

People of course have their FAQ’s that I keep hearing since I’ve been back. It seems like nobody really knows where to start, so they just ask “How was Honduras?!” And what am I supposed to say to that? Lol, I usually just say, “It was wonderful, fantastic, so so good!” And that’s all they really want to know, they’re happy to know I’m back safely with all my limbs still attached. And that’s fine with me, I’m glad to give that answer and leave it at that. But other people actually want to know the details, and I’m also glad to share those. If you’re reading my blog I’m assuming you care to know details, so I’ll share a few.

Yes, I’m glad I went, I don’t regret it at all, and yes, I would love to go back again, but no, I don’t know when that will happen. I doubt I’ll go back again for an extended period of time, I feel like God was calling me there for three months and that’s all for now. My favorite thing about being there was the relationships I was able to build, with the people I lived with, worked with, and served. There is something special about a relationship between people that is based solely on love, without any other expectations. Pretty much all I had to give was a plate of food with a big side order of love, and when you give all the love you can, the returns are incredible. I would recommend it.

What did I learn? That everybody has a heart and soul, no matter what socioeconomic background they are from, or what language they speak, or where they grew up, or what their beliefs are, or you fill in the blank. It doesn’t matter. Everyone deserves to be loved, and from now on I will look at people with that filter. I mean, in the end isn’t that what it all boils down to anyway?

Last Hurrahs

Lately we keep calling everything we do our “last hurrah.” If there is something fun we want to do, we usually do it with the excuse of it being our last opportunity. We have had a few over the past week or so, and I think a couple are worth mentioning.

First of all, we took a trip to Belize! It was time for Amber to renew her visa, so we decided it would be a fun last trip for all of us to take together. Besides the actual trip itself, Belize had several last hurrahs. We left on Tuesday and after an eventful day and a half of travel by buses, taxis, and boats we arrived in Placencia, Belize. If you’ve never been to Belize but love the beach, I would recommend it as a prime vacation option. It was so relaxing and beautiful! It was kind of like time just slowed down for a couple of days. In Belize they speak English, Spanish, and this combination Belizean language…but pretty much everyone speaks English. We kept trying to speak to people in Spanish, and they would just look at us like we were crazy. What else is new.

The second day we were there we decided to go snorkeling on the reef. The decision wasn’t an easy one. Manatees are in Belize at this time of year and we really, really wanted to see one, especially Alli (who also thought that they were around her size. She was pretty surprised when we told her she wasn’t going to be able to hug one because they’re actually like 12 feet long). So anyway, we wanted to see a manatee, but the manatee tours were really expensive and didn’t guarantee that you would even see one. And our big dream was to swim with the whale sharks, but that turned out to be out of the question anyway because you have to wait until a full moon which doesn’t happen until next week. But we couldn’t think of a reason not to go snorkeling on the second largest reef in the world, so that was what we settled on. It was definitely a good choice! We saw a whole mess of colorful coral, all these different fish, starfish, barracudas, sea urchins, big clouds of minnows you could swim right through, a sting ray, stuff like that. We were definitely not disappointed! Other things we justified as being last hurrahs were the three trips we made to the local gelato shop (the last one being at 8 am the morning we left), Alli’s decision to splurge on a big, beautiful hammock, and the hours we all spent sitting on the beach soaking up the Belizean sun.

After another day of buses and boats, we arrived back home late Friday night. By the time we got back I felt like I needed to take a vacation from my vacation! All that traveling will wear you out! But we were definitely all happy with the way things worked out!

Last night was our last hurrah dinner. Amber made all of our favorites, fajitas, tortilla chips with salsa, these jalapeño things with cream cheese and bacon that the other girls love, and a cinnamon sugar chocolate coffee cake for dessert (yes, it is as delicious and as unhealthy as it sounds).

The best part about the last week or two has been all of the quality time Alli, Tess, Amber and I have been able to spend together. We have taken advantage of all the fun things we have gotten to do together and have just been absorbing all of the laughs, trying to have as much fun as we can to make it last as long as possible after we’re not together anymore. Sure it’s sad to think about leaving, but I’m trying to focus less on that and more on being in the moment. And since there never seems to be a dull moment here, that seems like it makes the most sense!